Minshew Mania: A Full Timeline of an American Hero
Updated: Nov 15, 2019
First off, America didn’t deserve Minshew Mania. A universally loved quarterback whose mustache temporarily united this divided country. At the outset of Minshew Mania, we couldn’t go 24 hours without another hilarious yet somehow completely believable story from Minshew’s past. Here is a complete timeline of confirmed events and other potentially true stories:
(To be played as you read this)
May 22, 1996
Gardner Minshew II (also known by his Grandpa as “Beowulf Minshew") is born in Brandon, Mississippi with a full mustache. Seconds after birth, Gardner looks up at his dad to let him him know that he’s the man of the house now.
December 25th, 2003
At age 7, Gardner is (allegedly) gifted his first jock strap, which in Mississippi is considered “formal wear for any occasion.” Young Gardner wears it for three consecutive weeks, calling it his good luck charm with the other ladies on the playground.
Gardner continues his reign of emasculating anyone who dares to cross his path by running up the score in a church basketball league, winning one game 60-2. The Sunday following this game, the pastor (allegedly) tries to preach a sermon on mercy and humility. A young Gardner responds by launching a football at his pastor’s face, yelling “suck it nerd!” before sitting back down.
After high school prom, Gardner (allegedly) contracts mono from kissing too many cheerleaders in one night.
Always ahead of the curve, he knew that it is medically impossible to get mono twice, so he decided to get his mono out of the way early before becoming a starter in the NFL. Sam Darnold clearly lacked this foresight, who waited until he was the Jets starter before contracting the infamous kissing disease. When you compare Darnold’s and Minshew’s number of wins in the 2019 season, the results clearly speak for themselves.
While playing quarterback at East Carolina University, Minshew tries to preserve another year of eligibility by attempting to break his throwing hand with a hammer. He fails, proving Gardner Minshew is so invincible that he can even survive an attack from Gardner Minshew.
Gardner Minshew considers walking on to Alabama’s football team, where he would be a real life Alex Moran from “Blue Mountain State,” in the sense that he would happily ride the bench while getting to party with cleat-chasing SEC co-eds who are into his jock strap game.
However, he gets a call from the only coach who is equally as interesting as Minshew himself: Mike Leach. Next thing you know, he signs with Washington State where two legend collide.
Fall 2018 at Washington State
Becomes a fashion icon (unconfirmed if fashion inspired by 70’s themed XXX videos)
Develops post-game workout routine integral to his success, involving doing band stretches in front of his locker while naked or in a jock strap.
Discovers his love for Jorts, as he realizes they show off his lower body in the same way that Lulu Lemon yoga pants show off the lower bodies of delusional Instagram models with 3,000 followers who are trying to post a thirst trap with the caption "Happy Tuesday!". His quads should be the talk of the NFL, not Saquon Barkley's.
After getting drafted by the Jacksonville Jaguars, Minshew trains for first NFL season by literally wrestling enormous fish:
Again, Minshew was ahead of the curve, as he knew the Jets were on the schedule and he would have to face off against head coach Adam Gase. As you can tell, this fish and Adam Gase are clearly related, showing Minshew's deep commitment to knowing your opponent.
Minshew mania captures the nation:
September 8, 2019
First game against the Chiefs, completes first 13 passes of his career and 22 of 25 overall.
September 10, 2019
Spends his off day brutally rejecting little kids in basketball, because Gardner isn’t gonna let your loser kid get a cheap bucket off of him.
September 18, 2019
After week 2, the adult entertainment site “CamSoda” offers Minshew $1 million to be a brand ambassador for their “penis puppet line” (which come in styles like watermelon, vampire, and elephant). The company also asks that he leads a fitness class with other porn stars “in your jock strap or completely naked.”
September 19, 2019
The world meets Gardner Minshew’s dad in prime time television, who looks exactly like what you think Gardner Minshew's dad would look like.
September 29, 2019
Minshew revamps Uncle Rico’s acting career.
Later the same day, Minshew jukes around 17 defenders in one play to throw a touchdown pass:
November 4, 2019
During Jags bye week, the Jaguars announce that Nick Foles would take over as the starter, therefore benching Gardner Minshew and putting a temporary pause to Minshew Mania. The change comes with various ethical concerns, as one could question whether a quarterback nicknamed “Big Dick Nick” is a good role model for children.
Although Minshew Mania is likely done for 2019, this will definitely not be the last time we see him. To quote this meme I saw the other day: